I have become obsessed and my life has been taken over by the Wii. I swore. Oh, I promised myself and my children we were NOT getting another gaming system. Before getting the Wii we (or I should say it began with me) have had every single Nintendo system from the first, up until the last. In my early twenties, my brother and I became addicted to the original Mario Brothers and the first ever Zelda. We stayed up for hours playing both, determined to get to the end of each. We were most adamant about Zelda. It got to a point where he would sit and play the game while I followed along with pen and a huge poster board making a map of the land we were playing in and all the labyrinths. Obsessed much? I would say so.
Out came Sega and Sonic the Hedgehog. By now I was dating the man who would become my husband, and we spent many a nights hanging out at my house playing Sega until the wee hours of the morning. My mother would laugh and tell me, “This is how you date each other? What about going out?” But who cared, right? We had a quest to complete. Oh how I wish I had taken her advice and we would have went out more. Now to go out alone is a whole process of setting up babysitting, getting the kids to where they have to go and then rushing to where we plan to go. Back then we just went. Why didn’t we go out more? Technology! It screwed my social dating life!
Well, my Zelda obsession continued, and so did Nintendo’s advance in gaming systems. With each new system came a new Zelda. Couldn’t play the new Zelda without the new system, so out I went to buy the new one. Then I had children, and more importantly, two boys. They too became intrigued with all the new technologies and computer games on the market. Not only did we have the current Nintendo’s (hand-held ones included, so we could travel with our obsession) but Sony launched Playstation. My oldest son asked for it for Christmas one year and we got it for him. Woe to my addiction, it started with a whole other manufacturer. Then, you guessed it, Playstation 2 launched and didn’t we just have to keep up with the times and get one.
A couple years back my oldest decided he wanted XBox 360. He saved his money from birthdays and Christmas and out he went to get one. I had no interest whatsoever in the thing. And I’m proud to report, I still don’t.
But my kids wanted the Wii. They asked for it for the past two years and I remained firm;
“NO!” I would tell them. “It will rot your brains. Go out and play in the fresh air. We are NOT getting another gaming system. Nope. No way. Absolutely not!”
In October I went out and bought the Wii for “them” for Christmas and they were thrilled. I convinced myself it was for the kids. And it isn’t like other gaming systems. At least it keeps them active. Hopping around, exercising, moving and grooving. No more couch potatoes just staring at a screen and using a hand controller while you lounge in a chair. This Wii would be different and I would be a great mother if I got it for them. A mother concerned for her children’s well being and athletic abilities. I told myself I would get the Wii Fit and have a good excuse to play video games and not feel guilty. I would get so toned, so in shape, that Sports Illustrated would be banging on my front door by June begging me to pose for their swimsuit issue. It would be fantastical!
Wii is not for out of shape, forty-one year old mothers of three. I finally got a hold of one of the controllers the other night and started playing boxing. I was moving and grooving and knocking my opponent to the floor. I was all into this boxing thing, cheering myself on, yelling at my opponent;
“Oh yeah, man, take that. UPPER JAB, UPPER JAB. HITTING HIM HIGH!”
I was bobbing and weaving hitting and jabbing. I was getting all into this game, and began dreaming about one day becoming a champion boxer. My dream was cut short as I forgot that I was not actually in a boxing ring, and on the floor in front of me was our coffee table. The one I went flying over and landed in the center of. Do you think anyone in my family came running to my aid when they heard the crash? Of course not! When I called out to my husband and told him what happened he said,
“Are you breathing?”
What in the heck kind of question was that??
“Of course I’m breathing! How could I be talking to you if I wasn’t breathing??”
“Your okay then.”
Sheesh! Thanks for the overwhelming concern for me, your wife, who bore you three children from my ample loins! Jerk!
So I learned my lesson. No more of these dangerous games for me. I would just leave it to the kids to play. But, wait! They had tennis! I could do tennis. That’s not a violent and dangerous sport like boxing! And this time I would be smart and move the coffee table out-of-the-way. I began my tennis match and I was doing great. My dreams began and I saw visions of me becoming the next Martina Navratilova. I would get to wear one of those short white skirts and my legs would be all tan and muscular! Yeah!
My son watched me play and said, “You know, Mom, you don’t have to jump across the room like you are really playing tennis. You just swing the remote when the ball comes at you.”
“Yeah,” I panted, “I know…but this is so much more fun. It’s like I’m really playing tennis! Look I think I’m even working up a sweat.”
Lesson number two learned. Don’t just worry about moving the coffee table. Make sure you also move the end table next to the couch so you don’t crash your right knee cap into it while you are leaping over the net!
The heck with this I thought. I’m leaving this game to the kids. Later on that night my husband and son were playing bowling. Oooh. That looked like fun. It wasn’t violent like boxing, and I wouldn’t have to jump around like in tennis. This would be simple! Throw a ball down the lane and hit as many pins as you can. And if you score over 1000 you become a pro! Whoo Hoo.
I made it to pro status that same night, and tried to work my way even further today. I didn’t fall over any coffee tables and I didn’t crack my knee into any end tables. This is great! I could just play bowling for the rest of my life and never have another Wii induced injury!
Well, let me tell you something about the Wii. Three somethings in fact.
1. My right shoulder is killing me from bowling and trying to work out my curve ball. I think I may have torn my rotator cuff, but that’s okay. At least I’m staying active right?
2. There is no way in hell I’m getting Wii fit. I’ve injured myself already playing games that should have kept me upright and somewhat immobile. The thought of actually watching a TV screen while jumping around on a tiny Wii fit mat is frightening to this forty-one year old body.
3. Sports Illustrated will NOT be knocking on my door to beg me to pose in their swimsuit issue because I have maimed myself too much and have decided to just stay out of shape and immobile for the rest of my life.
To the makers of Nintendo Wii; Bite my big hiney you sadists. You hooked me to your gaming systems like a druggie on crack, and now I can barely move because of it.
By the way, does anyone out there know if they came out with a new Zelda for Wii? Not for me of course. It would be for the kids. Kinda like a delayed Christmas gift.
Oh, and I also saw something else. They have golf. How dangerous could that be?